8 months later

8 months, 57 drafts, a high school graduation and a semester at college later – I’m back. I’ve been experiencing ‘blogger block’ for a while now – is that even a thing? 57 unfinished posts waiting to be published – an unkind, unsolicited reminder that I’m unable to finish most of what I’ve started. A habit to be worked on in 2019.

Usually, I begin the year reflecting on the past year, identifying strengths and weaknesses- in hopes of creating resolutions. Infact, I get so excited to make resolutions that I’ll start listing them by the end of November. However, this year, I’ve surprised myself by not creating even a single one. Don’t get me wrong – it’s not like I follow through with my resolutions, but the simple idea of creating them gives me a vague sense of triumph.

2018 has been a kind teacher ; a source of guidance that has truly spoilt me with its rewards.  A celebration of change and growth accompanied by a perfect melange of ups and downs to complete it. I’m truly grateful that my move to college has been a smooth transition from the past to the present, filled with more warmth and love than I had ever expected. For a long time, I’ve felt like a claustrophobic bird trapped in a cage. I was desperate to learn how to walk, let alone fly. However, in the last couple of months – it seems as though someone just gave me a key to unlock the doors- and it’s been unbelievably refreshing.

However, looking back – it wasn’t always easy. While I soared high for the first two weeks of college, I quickly began missing the simplicity of home. I began to miss family and friends. I missed the same comfort and familiarity that took more time to build at my new home. Even though, I was constantly surrounded by people, I understood for the first time what it felt like to be lonely. I recall the first time I fell sick – it was unusual to not ask my parents to pass me a Panadol or get pampered with home food. Although there were challenges along the way, never in the last 4-5 months have I wanted to come back. The positive aspects of my journey have completely outweighed any negative feelings experienced. Through the ups and downs, there’s a lot more excitement for what is to come. I’ve learnt to depend on myself, pick myself up when needed – to be there for others the same way they’ve been there for me. Unfortunately, it took some distance for me to learn to value my relationships with loved ones.

There’s a beauty in growing up and experiencing those changes. It takes time to get adjusted to a new environment. Trust that little voice that begs you to keep going because it’s even more rewarding when you tell yourself ‘you can do this’ rather than someone else. It’s scary at times to not really know anyone, to feel a little alone – but it’s also absolutely normal and the feeling dwindles very quickly over time. I’m more than grateful for the people I’ve met in the last couple of months – some of which have become family so quickly. The excitement to move away from safe havens, to explore the ins and outs of a new city and to discover new hobbies is indescribable.

I’m slowly learning about myself – who I am alone, the type of company I enjoy, and most importantly, the woman I want to be as I continue to grow. This past year, I’ve learnt to let the past go, be present but at the same time, be excited about the future. I’ve appreciated the power of change – and the changes it can bring to you if you’re willing to let it. I’ve learnt the importance of burning old bridges in order to build new ones. Finally, I’m learning to push myself out of the little comfort zone I’ve built over the years. The confidence and independence I’ve developed in the last couple of months has been my one of my favorite parts of self discovery – and I’m more than excited to continue to grow further over the next few months.